Between the lines

Who needs happily ever after?

Certainly not a young twenty-something. Who cares about the ever after, as long as you're happy right now?

Except there comes a day when you realize that the happily right now isn't gonna lead to the happily ever after. In fact, you realize that the happily right now is actually just masking the fact that you're leading up to a very unhappily ever after. It's just leading you on.

So what do you do? Do you stay in your 'happy right now' bubble? Because it's comforting and familiar, and heck, let's be honest, you're happy for the most part. Or do you quit, throw in the towel, hurt for a little (or, as the case will probably be - hurt for a long while), but leave happily ever after as an option for later, for something more fantastic down the line?

I am amazing.

I just want to put it out there. I am amazing. And any guy would be lucky to have me. I'm tall, I'm smart, I'm caring, I cook, and I'm not completely terrible to look at. I come from a family that loves so much, it's almost suffocating. I believe in fairy tales and Prince Charmings, Tooth Fairies, and Santa Claus. And I'm a huge believer in people. Call me optimistic, but I like to think that I'm just happy (and yes, a little naive).

So let me just repeat that. I am amazing.

And while I might not always believe that myself, I need you to realize that I am. Amazing, that is.

Which means that I'm not going to sit around and let you play games with me.

You can't expect to go out on a dinner date with one girl, and then come home to me, and not have me feel hurt by it. Especially when everyone's been talking about how you and that other girl are probably dating. Especially since I only had our dinner dates to hold onto - to make me think that I was still special in your eyes.

No, I'm not asking you to stop going out with other girls. If you want to, you should. You should spend your time with whomever you want to spend your time with. I'm just asking for a little Aretha-Franklin-styled respect. If you flirt with other girls, don't come back to me and expect me to be un-phased by it. Un-hurt.

So go ahead. Go out and have your fun. We can be friends, sure. But I need some distance for the time being. 'Cause while you may have thrown in the proverbial towel on this pseudo-relationship a long time ago, I'm just now realizing that I'm holding on to nothing.

I'm just now realizing that while I am happy whenever I'm with you, it's leading up to nothing. And while I thought I could just live in the so-called moment and be happy whenever I'm with you, I'm realizing that the highs from that aren't matching the lows I feel when you treat me like I'm nothing special. The happy-right-now isn't worth the unhappily ever after just waiting to blow up in our faces.

So that's it.

I don't want anything from you. Because it's not my place to expect anything from you. But I am demanding a happily ever after from life. I deserve it. Because I am amazing. My happy-right-now bubble has popped, and the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I will one day reach my happily ever after.

Time to tell me the truth, to burden your mouth for what you say, no pieces of paper in the way. 'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose the opposite sides on which we fall, the loving you laters if at all. No right minds could wrong be this many times. My memory is cruel; I'm queen of attention to details, defending intentions if he fails - until now, he told me her name; it sounded familiar in a way. I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times, if only I had been listening.

Leave unsaid unspoken. Eyes wide shut unopened. You and me - always between the lines.

The Last Goodbye

I've been angry at my best friend for the past 2 months.

Angry because I thought he was replacing me. Angry because I felt like I was losing the best friend I ever had. Angry because I thought he was placing everyone else before me.

And then I realize that really, I'm angry at myself.

Because I fell for him. Even after I told myself not to. After I convinced myself that we were just friends. After I convinced everyone else that we were just friends.

And now I can't stand watching him fall in love with another girl.

I tell myself that he's a sucky friend because we no longer spend as much time together as we used to. I'm no longer the usual study buddy. We no longer just end up at each others' apartments by default. He no longer writes me random emails. Random letters. Random post-it messages. There's no more hanging out with each other just for the heck of it. Just because we like being in each others' company.

I look at our friendship now and think that I've lost my best friend.

But the thing is, I didn't.

I lost a guy who liked me. The friend is still there. But it's so hard for me to recognize that those are two completely different things. But I know they're different. That's why I haven't just written him off and resigned myself to a future of awkwardness with him. Because he's still making an effort to be my friend. He's determined not to let things become weird. Because he is, afterall, still my friend.

And yet now I'm sitting here. Listening to all my sad love songs. Feeling sorry for myself. Wishing I didn't care so much.

But knowing I do.

Michelle, he's just not that into you.

I'll get over it. I will. And I know I can. I have before, and I will now. I will, because I must.

But this is the worst part about falling head over heels for someone. Each time you fall harder - no matter how much your chipped and cracked and trampled heart warns you not to.

I can't do this anymore to myself. I'm done.