The Last Goodbye

I've been angry at my best friend for the past 2 months.

Angry because I thought he was replacing me. Angry because I felt like I was losing the best friend I ever had. Angry because I thought he was placing everyone else before me.

And then I realize that really, I'm angry at myself.

Because I fell for him. Even after I told myself not to. After I convinced myself that we were just friends. After I convinced everyone else that we were just friends.

And now I can't stand watching him fall in love with another girl.

I tell myself that he's a sucky friend because we no longer spend as much time together as we used to. I'm no longer the usual study buddy. We no longer just end up at each others' apartments by default. He no longer writes me random emails. Random letters. Random post-it messages. There's no more hanging out with each other just for the heck of it. Just because we like being in each others' company.

I look at our friendship now and think that I've lost my best friend.

But the thing is, I didn't.

I lost a guy who liked me. The friend is still there. But it's so hard for me to recognize that those are two completely different things. But I know they're different. That's why I haven't just written him off and resigned myself to a future of awkwardness with him. Because he's still making an effort to be my friend. He's determined not to let things become weird. Because he is, afterall, still my friend.

And yet now I'm sitting here. Listening to all my sad love songs. Feeling sorry for myself. Wishing I didn't care so much.

But knowing I do.

Michelle, he's just not that into you.

I'll get over it. I will. And I know I can. I have before, and I will now. I will, because I must.

But this is the worst part about falling head over heels for someone. Each time you fall harder - no matter how much your chipped and cracked and trampled heart warns you not to.

I can't do this anymore to myself. I'm done.