Standing outside a broken phone booth

Everything is better on paper. The Grey's Anatomy spin-off was good on paper - and then that random pilot of Addison heading down to LA aired. Books are better on paper - your eyes don't have to strain as hard as you stare intently at your computer screen for overly long periods of time reading words you can barely pronounce, scrolling up and down to navigate the many columns of text. Men always seem better on paper too - with all their listed traits and desirabilities.

But this? This sounded disastrous.

A boy who couldn't commit because he wanted more time to distance himself from his last relationship? Asking me to just give him some time, wishing we could just pretend nothing had changed or happened. Or, if I wanted, maybe, we could, maybe, possibly, sorta, still call each other "just friends" that just happened to sleep together at night? And go out to dinner together? And vent to each other about everything that had gone horrendously wrong during the day? Maybe?

That just seemed like a disaster waiting to happen.

And against my better judgment, and what my roommate told me, what my best guy friend told me, I agreed to it. I agreed to pretend not to be hurt whenever I saw the ex's ring around his neck. Agreed to pretend not to care when he flirted with other girls "to keep up appearances." Agreed to not get angry when he asks me to wait to do homework with him, only to find out five hours later, that he did it already with some other people.

I don't know why. I think there's just some part of me that so wants to be loved, I'll take anything, even these meager bare-bones, not really there, scraps.

And yes. I know that paragraph, two paragraphs ago, makes me out to be a raging jealous bitch. Maybe I am. But I'm a raging jealous bitch because I care too much, and I know I really shouldn't. I really really shouldn't. I deserve better. I know that.

I was hoping that maybe something that sounded horrible on paper might end up to be not that bad after all. Maybe even absolutely wonderful. I was hoping there was something that would balance out all the "good on paper" disappointments.

But all I've realized through this non-relationship is that I'm a jealous bitch. Who knows she deserves better. But can't move on.

I'm stuck.